I've come to the point in my life were dreams have become like shots in a bar. The more I take the more intoxicating it becomes.
I want you to picture a world where everything was the same but with only a few minor differences. The differences that would make you come back for more. To drown in a feeling that would never go away. For me it was having the girl that I've been vying for all these months. It wasn't a perfect world...honestly how can one really dream up a perfect world? But it was a world in which I could be happy in. I felt like the dream had become my reality and my reality had become my nightmare. My memories were slowly starting to take form in my dreams. I had gotten drunk on happiness and I wanted more. I wanted those moments in the past to come back to me. So with each shot I took...the more vivid the memory became. At some point in time everyone's had a moment where they were truly happy with everything in the world. Whether it be with the person you like or something you had accomplished, it was a moment that would become a memory. Your greatest accomplishment, the moment when the walls came down and you felt like you weren't alone anymore. You hold on to those moments and when they become memories you try and look back on them to keep you sustained with where you are at the time but you know you'll never be able to create that singular moment again. I felt like I found a way to relive my memories through my dreams. The moments I held her close holding her in my arms and feeling as if she really wanted me there, the small moments when we would laugh about something stupid, the bad in jokes we would create they all became my dream. I fell in love with those dreams. I felt complete in a way. The girl in my dreams had completely become everything to me...and I was truly afraid of waking up...
Mornings became the hardest part in my life. Waking up alone in a cold room in an empty bed. I hated life...I hated how my life had come to revolve around a girl who would probably over look my feelings for her own needs but made me want her so much more...but when everything was said and done...I realized I hated mornings the most. I wouldn't say I had fallen in love with her but through my dreams the feeling had almost felt real. I know its probably not appropriate to say that I had fallen in love but the correct term or phrase that would fit this situation is probably me becoming infatuated with her. It was evident by then, the smallest things would remind me of her. The movies we promise to go see, the things we promise to go do they all triggered relapses of the vivid moments I had with her.
Now I'm staring at this screen typing on this blog again to figure out whether or not any ounce of my life had just become a haunted memory of a girl I fell for. As I said before I would agree with most of my friends that she was using me for comfort. The worst part about all of this is that she got what she wanted and I ended up holding all of the tickets that would account for my actions and she didn't. She was able to detach herself so easily away from me and that's what hurts the most.
When I started to realize that my memories had began to blur into my dreams I started to wonder if I'll come out of this with any of my ideals and personality intact. Knowing the curious reader as you are I feel like I don't have very much of my past left in me...it feels like she took it all and all I'm holding left is my bitterness and loneliness with a bigger hint of compassion. I don't want to become a person where my actions are just dictated by my anger and bitterness. I don't want to end up hating the world for what she had left me with. I believe that everything that she did was unfair. But what probably gets me and what will probably get you is...that I don't hate her for it...I actually feel like I care for her more. Its the feeling of having lost something that makes you truly miss what you had. I had her friendship....and I had thought I had her heart.
The dreams had become my shots. I down each shot with the expectation of going back to the feeling of happiness. The moments become the alcohol in my shot. I get intoxicated with the feeling of that moment making me forget that in my reality I had lost the girl and never got that movie ending.
And in that moment of a dream intoxicated with happiness you awake from it, vanishing like a vision but still you want to get drunk.
Her face will always haunt my dreams, haunt the halls that I walk, she'll always be in the back of my mind if I don't learn to let her go. I blame myself for being a terrible person telling her I didn't want to me her boyfriend (I don't want to.) but I blame her for being able to move on so easily like throwing away trash into the garbage. Is that what you really think of me? Were your actions truly something for your own gain? Did apart of you not fall for me at all? Someone to be thrown away? Tell me is that what you want people to do to you?
My dreams become shallow memories....uninebriated...so tell me where do I go from here?
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