At this very moment, parts of my life are coming to an end.
Some of my friends would say this is closure but I feel like this closure is a loss. I feel like I didn't win. And all I can do is give a grimacing smile and try to let go. I write this blog trying to attain some certain enlightenment through all of this. I know whoever is reading this, has gone through this feeling at some point in their life, being alone and then finding something that might have been able to pull you out of the hole you dug for yourself to only have it taken away from you like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. You are Charlie Brown. The football is the something you wanted and Lucy is the unstoppable force that you can't control.
This story is a long one and if you're willing to keep reading you'll hear it all or at least my side of the story. I'd like you to keep in mind that when I'm writing this I'll make these parts of the story with one view and it'd be nice if you don't go and assume anything about anyone I talk about, whether it be their views or their opinions they're solely based on what they thought at the time of these moments.
It all starts with a girl....oddly enough, doesn't it always start off with a girl?...or a boy for our female readers.
I met a girl who seemingly changed parts of my life into something that was the complete polar opposite of who I was. At the time I was a simple guy who didn't really give a flying fuck about most people. I went through most of my life thinking burying my emotions deep down so that I don't fall for someone, would make sure I don't end up hurting and destroying a piece of me. But like most things, that started to break down slowly and wither away like eroded rock. I had come to learn how to detach myself from feeling for someone and suddenly this control I thought I had, gotten out of control when I openly admitted that I care for this girl. Some how if you think about it saying something you truly mean, lets loose a huge amount of uncontrolled actions that you don't know what the fuck to do about.
Now the girl wasn't the most special girl that you would think of. There wasn't anything amazing about her that most people would point out. She was an average girl who was pretty and sweet. She had blonde hair and a funny Texas twang that would slip every once in awhile especially when she was drunk. I liked her it was plain and simple. She was cute and I thought she was great. If you were to ask me why, I wouldn't be able to tell you now or then. I just thought she was amazing.
Now this is where things get complicated.
Openly admitting that I care for her more then normal was a real struggle, almost to the point of me agreeing to an actual relationship. Now if you know me well a label of that nature such as Boyfriend and Girlfriend is an annoying title to me. It makes it a definite thing and I'm afraid of agreeing to that. I'm afraid of hurting people and hurting myself. Committing and then finding out that it doesn't work, is hard for anyone. I wanted avoid that because that wasn't who I was. But somehow I manage to sum up the courage to over look that fact and when I asked her out she told me she wasn't willing to see anyone at the time not consistently too. At that exact moment I knew I had to drop the subject before something horrible turns into something horribly wrong. As the next day came I found out she had gotten into a relationship with someone from several states over. Now you're thinking what the fuck right? Because at this moment I was thinking the exact same thing. Now I had known she was talking to someone at the time and very often. But nothing could tell me it was official sadly, until I find this relationship on facebook. So at this moment, my heart broke and began to stop working correctly. Things become more difficult when she begins to spend more time with me after finding out that I liked her. Now you're thinking why the hell would I keep letting her into my home after she had rejected me. Well at the time, I couldn't think anything of it, as my judgement went out the window as evident by now which I'll get to soon. Things became difficult because of the fact that my judgement and common sense was flipped upside down and thrown into the wall really hard.
During the times she spent with me, she would get close, close enough to make a move or have something inappropriate happen (sorry dirty minded readers no sex was involved). She would sit next to me and lean into me as if we were dating. Sleep next to me as if it was okay to do. Kiss me on the cheeks when no one was looking. Made me hold her when she was feeling sad or cold. Now this is completely inappropriate from what I presented on the table earlier in this. She was dating someone and she was lonely. So she look to me as a source to get comfort. The sad thing is I openly welcomed it. So my actions along with her actions have completely fucked my mind into submission. It's because I couldn't detach myself from her is what got me into this feeling of loss and loneliness. I allowed myself to get close to her so that she can manipulate my actions to filling in the void that her boyfriend had left until he got home.
I know this partly my fault for allowing this to happen but to understand that she was okay with me getting close her as if we were together is something I still don't get. If you were in her situation would you not push someone away? Pull away from them because they liked you, because now your in a committed relationship?
In the beginning of all this she started as my friend foremost and then it became different. Having feelings for someone changes it all.
Now I have to admit that during these of strange times of closeness we were intoxicated and the strange thing is the morning after wouldn't be so awkward even though it should have been. I started looking to others for advice because it was becoming confusing and I was getting the feeling that she was sending mix signals. Most of my friends came to the conclusion that she was just looking to me as a way to get comfort. Even some thought she was rather dumb and stupid for even pulling any of this. In my mind I completely agreed but my heart didn't even know what to say. I cared for her more then she'll ever believe.
So with the little amount of common sense that I had left, I told her that when her boyfriend comes into town we should stop seeing each other. I set this boundary because I wasn't willing to look at them as a couple, it was hard. Really if you were in my shoes would you want to see the person you care for be with someone whose not you? Seeing the prize you were trying to go after at the carnival go to someone else. I don't generally hate or think anything of her boyfriend even one of my friends said that I would probably get along pretty well with this guy. But its the idea of seeing them together and not knowing how i would feel about them is to hard. The wounds are still feel fresh even up until now.
A few weeks before February things began to gradually change. She began to pull away and stop showing the affection that she use to show. I have no idea what changed this outlook but she was adamant about changing her ways. So that closeness that me and her had going on slowly started to fade.
With that in mind we bring you up to the present. The week of valentines day she stopped hanging out with the group that we originally had or it had felt like it. We were seeing her less and less along with another member of our group. By this time I had jokingly played around with the idea that she was leaving us and because of that i think I was starting to get under her skin. She now doesn't hang out with us because her boyfriend is in town and she's following the rule I set out. The weeks without her have been hard and now I'm starting to feel more comfortable that she's not hanging out with us anymore. I miss her, I miss seeing her face and just talking to her. So now the other day I messaged her and asked how she was doing and if we were still friends. She responded that she's been with her boyfriend all this time. That was understandable, so I asked if she would text because I had recently lost her number. Come the morning after the message was sent. I had a small chat...very small chat about whether or not she would like to hang out with us anymore. My exact words were "Are we not good enough to hang out anymore? Because I was right about you leaving us." It was meant as a playful gesture, but since it was a text message emotions and reflections usually don't come across. Her response was "Its because you don't want to hang out with him" Then I asked if she was still going to hang out with us. I got no response.
That's the story...No text message response back. I was a dick in the end and now I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. Do I fix the friendship and push aside my feelings and realize that she's happy? Or do I stay miserable and hold onto feelings that will never be returned? My gut tells me to fix this for the friendship. But I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go...
You dream about the person that you truly care for every night. They're the first thing you think about before bed and they're the first thing you think about when you wake up. Its the dream that you want, but its when the sun comes up that you realize reality sets in and you figure out its just dream.
So the dream's over...and reality is here...Tell me where do I go from here?
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