When I inhaled, my breath became heavy and I could feel the cold air. I begin to choke on my regret and sorrow....I found this the feeling before rain...holding my breathe...and waiting...
I can't really tell how many times I've come to this blog page and just stared at the blinking cursor. It would blink waiting for me to write something...It can't care for what I write whether it be meaningful or just some random thing that pops to mind. It just knew how to wait...each time I wrote something I would quickly delete it and the cursor would still be there waiting. When I started this blog I already had about 4-5 post already lined up ready to go. I've only posted two blogs and this would be my third. I opted to condense the number of post I made into one large post that would require attention and detail. A long while ago I wanted to become a writer. I didn't care what kind of writer just a unique and interesting writer. Ironically I've made very little to progress this goal. I write these long post to move on from the feeling of being over looked and left alone by a girl. I know it sounds dumb as shit to be writing blogs because of a girl but it felt like a way to get out my thoughts. My mind has become so loud and so jumble as of late I don't know what to sort and what to throw out. All of the anger I've held back has finally started to boil over and feeling like this have started to clear up in some way. Still though I feel like things are still unfinished with her. I had to put away my feelings for her so that things wouldn't get complicated..so that she can be happy. How shitty is that? The one time I actually feel like I fall for someone I get kicked in the nuts. It feels like for most of my life I've always had to put aside my feelings for people and my own happiness. Don't get me wrong here, being selfish and just wanting things is probably the most annoying thing any person could do but after a while of doing the right thing you think the universe would be kind and generous and give you a break here and there. Sadly and I'm assuming most of you know that the world doesn't work like that. So now I wait....wait for something to happen.
Doesn't it ever feel like you're just waiting for something? Like waiting for someone to answer your text, waiting for someone to apologize to you after a big fight, or maybe waiting for all of it to feel like it's over so that you can finally move on. I feel like I lose my breathe waiting for things to happen. During the time I was spending with her I felt like I was always waiting for some definite answer. Waiting for her to realize that some how I was there in front of her. But I sadly knew that what you expect will never be what reality hands you. Now a days I look at my phone expecting a text from her, my phone rings and that small part of me wants it to be her wanting to talk to me. I wait...and I wait...and I wait. I wait when I know I shouldn't be waiting. I wait when I know I should be moving on.
Spring Break is over and things have calmed down a bit in my head. I'm uncomfortable with that feeling. I feel restless and paranoid. I feel indifferent about watching movies/tv shows and playing video games in my Batcave. (No it's not an actual batcave but man would that not be awesome?) I don't know how to move on from this purgatory of a feeling. Waiting for just something to happen. Just once...I want the universe to be on my side and have it stop making me kick myself in the balls.
As of late the rain was pouring down pretty heavily. Some people hate the rain and some people like it. I'm on the fence. Some days the rain makes everything feel like the small sadness that I hold inside, feels beautiful and I learn to appreciate that even in destruction and sadness you find beauty. But then there are days when the rain just adds to the emotion and carries on with the wave that I'm in. Right now after the rain, I don't feel either...I just want the rain to wash away this emotion that I'm holding onto after all of this emotional up and down. I want the rain to restart things...fix my emotions so that I'm able to move on and let go.
Things in my head have cleared and I know I can't change how things have ended but right now all I want is for her to text me, to call me wanting to talk for a bit. Just once can the universe be on my side...please?
And when the rain finally washes everything away....tell me where do I go from here?
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