And you hold your breathe waiting...just to let go

Just for once if you ever have the chance just stop living for you. Live for someone else and let them know you enjoy them. Have fun, do something stupid once in a while (in reasonable terms of course...), and just let go of your worries and doubts.

Just for one moment let go of that small dark portion of you that will always be there stuffed in the trunk locked in a closet in the back of your mind. Yes its always going to be there. But you can't really move on until you have a moment of just pure happiness. Just live to have fun with the people you care for. No matter what happens if you can just live for your friends and family then having a moment of unclear depression should just be an easy thing to move on from. And if they truly care they'll be there for you in the end. But with all things when you get hurt only time can fix it.

And just for once today I felt like I wasn't thinking about myself but for my best friend. Having drinks at a bar, talking to people and enjoying the time I spent with him. As crazy as the night was, I felt like I could let go for this moment. Let go of everything that I've been facing for the last few months and just feel like I've moved on from it all.

Now I'm afraid of tomorrow. Will this feeling of pure clarity last? Most likely not knowing me but if I can keep this mind set maybe I'll know how I feel in the morning.

So when I finally exhale breathing again, learning to move on from it all.....can you tell me where do I go from here?

"Here's the funny thing, in my own crazy way, I was kind of happy. For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin." - Ted Mosby

The Girl in the Hopeless Romantic's Mind

In the rain he stood holding both of her hands. The red umbrella that he gave her floated away with the rushing wind. It was the last thing he ever gave her. It was one of the first things he missed seeing with her. Their hair was soaked from the downpour and she was dressed like she was ready to leave. He told her he loved her, but that's when he found out love is a dangerous weapon. She looks to him straight in the eye and says "I don't love you, I never did."

Pretty damn grim right? Now that is an ending that most people expect now a days. The Guy doesn't get the girl and girl was probably just in it for herself. Or the opposite way around you pick. When it comes down to it this is how most real life situations end. One sided and kind of depressing.

At one point in my life I always enjoyed these endings. It was real, someone got hurt and that's how it always has been. Movies always tend to over look that fact. But now it's just a painful reminder of things to come or things that have happen. Now the only reason why I bring that up is because the rational person in me enjoyed how it ends but my whole being just hated those endings. I really like the endings where the nice guy gets the pretty girl or the shy outcast chick gets with the popular football guy. Yes I know it's very sappy   and I blame it on TV and Movies. Its was when they truly care for each other and it wasn't some bogus bullshit where everyone gets what they wanted and the nice guy is left picking up the scraps. It's falling for something with everything you are. So many worries and yet so little doubt. That's what I enjoy.

Haven't you ever just fallen for something with everything you got? You're so entangled in it that you're afraid of letting it go? But you're so afraid of smothering it that you have no fucking clue what to do? This is how I want to feel. How Marshall and Lily feel from How I Met Your Mother. Finding that one thing you really love and knowing that it's right for you. Its being with someone that makes you feel like every step you take for them you mess up in some way but they're always willing to overlook the fact that you are an idiot and you are bound to make mistakes. I wanna believe I'm a guy who is like Ted Mosby who will love a girl like Marshall Erikson and make her laugh like Barney Stinson.

Like Hemingway said in "Midnight in Paris":  I believe that love that is true and real, creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And then the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face, like some rhino-hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave... It is because they make love with sufficient passion, to push death out of their minds... until it returns, as it does, to all men... and then you must make really good love again. 



Its the hope that maybe I'm a guy who a girl will fall for even when they're life is shitty and my life is shitty but we don't give a fuck. We're just here for each other.
I miss having that hope. The hope that the happy ending is just around the corner.  But right now in this moment of my life I'm not even sure the hope still exist. Its the fact that knowing people like her exist in this world who probably honestly don't give a damn except for themselves disgust me. I feel like Ted, you come to the point in your life where you're just tired of waiting. And during all of this wait I would always examine myself.

Am I good person? I have no idea. I ask myself that in the mirror every day. I want to believe that I am. I want to believe that I'm doing the right thing. Making things enjoyable for everyone...but sadly deep down in my gut I don't feel like it.

After this whole event with her it just feels like the world is just that much heavier, colder and so much more darker.

It came to be one thing and ended up being something else entirely different. Either way I have a bruised ego, hurt soul, and my love for all things feels so much more non-existent.

So I've come to the final conclusion and ACUTAL realization that in the end she doesn't really give a damn and she's actually never had the same thought as I did about me as I did her. So with this painfully injured soul and bruised ego...tell me where does this hopeless romantic go from here?

"Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently." - Barney Stinson

I know

I know my post sound depressing and emo and I'm sorry.

And when the rain washes away the regret and wait...

When I inhaled, my breath became heavy and I could feel the cold air. I begin to choke on my regret and sorrow....I found this the feeling before rain...holding my breathe...and waiting...

I can't really tell how many times I've come to this blog page and just stared at the blinking cursor. It would blink waiting for me to write something...It can't care for what I write whether it be meaningful or just some random thing that pops to mind. It just knew how to wait...each time I wrote something I would quickly delete it and the cursor would still be there waiting. When I started this blog I already had about 4-5 post already lined up ready to go. I've only posted two blogs and this would be my third. I opted to condense the number of post I made into one large post that would require attention and detail. A long while ago I wanted to become a writer. I didn't care what kind of writer just a unique and interesting writer. Ironically I've made very little to progress this goal. I write these long post to move on from the feeling of being over looked and left alone by a girl. I know it sounds dumb as shit to be writing blogs because of a girl but it felt like a way to get out my thoughts. My mind has become so loud and so jumble as of late I don't know what to sort and what to throw out. All of the anger I've held back has finally started to boil over and feeling like this have started to clear up in some way. Still though I feel like things are still unfinished with her. I had to put away my feelings for her so that things wouldn't get complicated..so that she can be happy. How shitty is that? The one time I actually feel like I fall for someone I get kicked in the nuts. It feels like for most of my life I've always had to put aside my feelings for people and my own happiness. Don't get me wrong here, being selfish and just wanting things is probably the most annoying thing any person could do but after a while of doing the right thing you think the universe would be kind and generous and give you a break here and there. Sadly and I'm assuming most of you know that the world doesn't work like that. So now I wait....wait for something to happen. 

Doesn't it ever feel like you're just waiting for something? Like waiting for someone to answer your text, waiting for someone to apologize to you after a big fight, or maybe waiting for all of it to feel like it's over so that you can finally move on. I feel like I lose my breathe waiting for things to happen. During the time I was spending with her I felt like I was always waiting for some definite answer. Waiting for her to realize that some how I was there in front of her. But I sadly knew that what you expect will never be what reality hands you. Now a days I look at my phone expecting a text from her, my phone rings and that small part of me wants it to be her wanting to talk to me. I wait...and I wait...and I wait. I wait when I know I shouldn't be waiting. I wait when I know I should be moving on.

Spring Break is over and things have calmed down a bit in my head. I'm uncomfortable with that feeling. I feel restless and paranoid. I feel indifferent about watching movies/tv shows and playing video games in my Batcave. (No it's not an actual batcave but man would that not be awesome?) I don't know how to move on from this purgatory of a feeling. Waiting for just something to happen. Just once...I want the universe to be on my side and have it stop making me kick myself in the balls.

As of late the rain was pouring down pretty heavily. Some people hate the rain and some people like it. I'm on the fence. Some days the rain makes everything feel like the small sadness that I hold inside, feels beautiful and I learn to appreciate that even in destruction and sadness you find beauty. But then there are days when the rain just adds to the emotion and carries on with the wave that I'm in. Right now after the rain, I don't feel either...I just want the rain to wash away this emotion that I'm holding onto after all of this emotional up and down. I want the rain to restart things...fix my emotions so that I'm able to move on and let go.

Things in my head have cleared and I know I can't change how things have ended but right now all I want is for her to text me, to call me wanting to talk for a bit. Just once can the universe be on my side...please?

And when the rain finally washes everything away....tell me where do I go from here?

Memories in a Shallow Dream, Uninebriated

I've come to the point in my life were dreams have become like shots in a bar. The more I take the more intoxicating it becomes.

I want you to picture a world where everything was the same but with only a few minor differences. The differences that would make you come back for more. To drown in a feeling that would never go away. For me it was having the girl that I've been vying for all these months. It wasn't a perfect world...honestly how can one really dream up a perfect world? But it was a world in which I could be happy in. I felt like the dream had become my reality and my reality had become my nightmare. My memories were slowly starting to take form in my dreams. I had gotten drunk on happiness and I wanted more. I wanted those moments in the past to come back to me. So with each shot I took...the more vivid the memory became. At some point in time everyone's had a moment where they were truly happy with everything in the world. Whether it be with the person you like or something you had accomplished, it was a moment that would become a memory. Your greatest accomplishment, the moment when the walls came down and you felt like you weren't alone anymore. You hold on to those moments and when they become memories you try and look back on them to keep you sustained with where you are at the time but you know you'll never be able to create that singular moment again. I felt like I found a way to relive my memories through my dreams. The moments I held her close holding her in my arms and feeling as if she really wanted me there, the small moments when we would laugh about something stupid, the bad in jokes we would create they all became my dream. I fell in love with those dreams. I felt complete in a way. The girl in my dreams had completely become everything to me...and I was truly afraid of waking up...

Mornings became the hardest part in my life. Waking up alone in a cold room in an empty bed. I hated life...I hated how my life had come to revolve around a girl who would probably over look my feelings for her own needs but made me want her so much more...but when everything was said and done...I realized I hated mornings the most. I wouldn't say I had fallen in love with her but through my dreams the feeling had almost felt real. I know its probably not appropriate to say that I had fallen in love but the correct term or phrase that would fit this situation is probably me becoming infatuated with her. It was evident by then, the smallest things would remind me of her. The movies we promise to go see, the things we promise to go do they all triggered relapses of the vivid moments I had with her.

Now I'm staring at this screen typing on this blog again to figure out whether or not any ounce of my life had just become a haunted memory of a girl I fell for. As I said before I would agree with most of my friends that she was using me for comfort. The worst part about all of this is that she got what she wanted and I ended up holding all of the tickets that would account for my actions and she didn't. She was able to detach herself so easily away from me and that's what hurts the most.

When I started to realize that my memories had began to blur into my dreams I started to wonder if I'll come out of this with any of my ideals and personality intact. Knowing the curious reader as you are I feel like I don't have very much of my past left in me...it feels like she took it all and all I'm holding left is my bitterness and loneliness with a bigger hint of compassion. I don't want to become a person where my actions are just dictated by my anger and bitterness. I don't want to end up hating the world for what she had left me with. I believe that everything that she did was unfair. But what probably gets me and what will probably get you is...that I don't hate her for it...I actually feel like I care for her more. Its the feeling of having lost something that makes you truly miss what you had. I had her friendship....and I had thought I had her heart.

The dreams had become my shots. I down each shot with the expectation of going back to the feeling of happiness. The moments become the alcohol in my shot. I get intoxicated with the feeling of that moment making me forget that in my reality I had lost the girl and never got that movie ending.

And in that moment of a dream intoxicated with happiness you awake from it, vanishing like a vision but still you want to get drunk.

Her face will always haunt my dreams, haunt the halls that I walk, she'll always be in the back of my mind if I don't learn to let her go. I blame myself for being a terrible person telling her I didn't want to me her boyfriend (I don't want to.) but I blame her for being able to move on so easily like throwing away trash into the garbage. Is that what you really think of me? Were your actions truly something for your own gain? Did apart of you not fall for me at all? Someone to be thrown away?  Tell me is that what you want people to do to you?

My dreams become shallow memories....uninebriated...so tell me where do I go from here?

And then the sun rises....and reality sets in.

At this very moment, parts of my life are coming to an end.

Some of my friends would say this is closure but I feel like this closure is a loss. I feel like I didn't win. And all I can do is give a grimacing smile and try to let go. I write this blog trying to attain some certain enlightenment through all of this. I know whoever is reading this, has gone through this feeling at some point in their life, being alone and then finding something that might have been able to pull you out of the hole you dug for yourself to only have it taken away from you like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. You are Charlie Brown. The football is the something you wanted and Lucy is the unstoppable force that you can't control.

This story is a long one and if you're willing to keep reading you'll hear it all or at least my side of the story. I'd like you to keep in mind that when I'm writing this I'll make these parts of the story with one view and it'd be nice if you don't go and assume anything about anyone I talk about, whether it be their views or their opinions they're solely based on what they thought at the time of these moments.

It all starts with a girl....oddly enough, doesn't it always start off with a girl?...or a boy for our female readers.

I met a girl who seemingly changed parts of my life into something that was the complete polar opposite of who I was. At the time I was a simple guy who didn't really give a flying fuck about most people. I went through most of my life thinking burying my emotions deep down so that I don't fall for someone, would make sure I don't end up hurting and destroying a piece of me. But like most things, that started to break down slowly and wither away like eroded rock. I had come to learn how to detach myself from feeling for someone and suddenly this control I thought I had, gotten out of control when I openly admitted that I care for this girl. Some how if you think about it saying something you truly mean, lets loose a huge amount of uncontrolled actions that you don't know what the fuck to do about.

Now the girl wasn't the most special girl that you would think of. There wasn't anything amazing about her that most people would point out. She was an average girl who was pretty and sweet. She had blonde hair and a funny Texas twang that would slip every once in awhile especially when she was drunk. I liked her it was plain and simple. She was cute and I thought she was great. If you were to ask me why, I wouldn't be able to tell you now or then. I just thought she was amazing.

Now this is where things get complicated.

Openly admitting that I care for her more then normal was a real struggle, almost to the point of me agreeing to an actual relationship. Now if you know me well a label of that nature such as Boyfriend and Girlfriend is an annoying title to me. It makes it a definite thing and I'm afraid of agreeing to that. I'm afraid of hurting people and hurting myself. Committing and then finding out that it doesn't work, is hard for anyone. I wanted avoid that because that wasn't who I was. But somehow I manage to sum up the courage to over look that fact and when I asked her out she told me she wasn't willing to see anyone at the time not consistently too. At that exact moment I knew I had to drop the subject before something horrible turns into something horribly wrong. As the next day came I found out she had gotten into a relationship with someone from several states over. Now you're thinking what the fuck right? Because at this moment I was thinking the exact same thing. Now I had known she was talking to someone at the time and very often. But nothing could tell me it was official sadly, until I find this relationship on facebook. So at this moment, my heart broke and began to stop working correctly. Things become more difficult when she begins to spend more time with me after finding out that I liked her. Now you're thinking why the hell would I keep letting her into my home after she had rejected me. Well at the time, I couldn't think anything of it, as my judgement went out the window as evident by now which I'll get to soon. Things became difficult because of the fact that my judgement and common sense was flipped upside down and thrown into the wall really hard.

During the times she spent with me, she would get close, close enough to make a move or have something inappropriate happen (sorry dirty minded readers no sex was involved). She would sit next to me and lean into me as if we were dating. Sleep next to me as if it was okay to do. Kiss me on the cheeks when no one was looking. Made me hold her when she was feeling sad or cold. Now this is completely inappropriate from what I presented on the table earlier in this. She was dating someone and she was lonely. So she look to me as a source to get comfort. The sad thing is I openly welcomed it. So my actions along with her actions have completely fucked my mind into submission. It's because I couldn't detach myself from her is what got me into this feeling of loss and loneliness.  I allowed myself to get close to her so that she can manipulate my actions to filling in the void that her boyfriend had left until he got home.

I know this partly my fault for allowing this to happen but to understand that she was okay with me getting close her as if we were together is something I still don't get. If you were in her situation would you not push  someone away? Pull away from them because they liked you, because now your in a committed relationship?

In the beginning of all this she started as my friend foremost and then it became different. Having feelings for someone changes it all.

Now I have to admit that during these of strange times of closeness we were intoxicated and the strange thing is the morning after wouldn't be so awkward even though it should have been. I started looking to others for advice because it was becoming confusing and I was getting the feeling that she was sending mix signals. Most of my friends came to the conclusion that she was just looking to me as a way to get comfort. Even some thought she was rather dumb and stupid for even pulling any of this. In my mind I completely agreed but my heart didn't even know what to say. I cared for her more then she'll ever believe.

So with the little amount of common sense that I had left, I told her that when her boyfriend comes into town we should stop seeing each other. I set this boundary because I wasn't willing to look at them as a couple, it was hard. Really if you were in my shoes would you want to see the person you care for be with someone whose not you? Seeing the prize you were trying to go after at the carnival go to someone else. I don't generally hate or think anything of her boyfriend even one of my friends said that I would probably get along pretty well with this guy. But its the idea of seeing them together and not knowing how i would feel about them is to hard. The wounds are still feel fresh even up until now.

A few weeks before February things began to gradually change. She began to pull away and stop showing the affection that she use to show. I have no idea what changed this outlook but she was adamant about changing her ways. So that closeness that me and her had going on slowly started to fade.

With that in mind we bring you up to the present. The week of valentines day she stopped hanging out with the group that we originally had or it had felt like it. We were seeing her less and less along with another member of our group. By this time I had jokingly played around with the idea that she was leaving us and because of that i think I was starting to get under her skin. She now doesn't hang out with us because her boyfriend is in town and she's following the rule I set out. The weeks without her have been hard and now I'm starting to feel more comfortable that she's not hanging out with us anymore. I miss her, I miss seeing her face and just talking to her. So now the other day I messaged her and asked how she was doing and if we were still friends. She responded that she's been with her boyfriend all this time. That was understandable, so I asked if she would text because I had recently lost her number. Come the morning after the message was sent. I had a small chat...very small chat about whether or not she would like to hang out with us anymore. My exact words were "Are we not good enough to hang out anymore? Because I was right about you leaving us." It was meant as a playful gesture, but since it was a text message emotions and reflections usually don't come across. Her response was "Its because you don't want to hang out with him" Then I asked if she was still going to hang out with us. I got no response.

That's the story...No text message response back. I was a dick in the end and now I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. Do I fix the friendship and push aside my feelings and realize that she's happy? Or do I stay miserable and hold onto feelings that will never be returned? My gut tells me to fix this for the friendship. But I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go...

You dream about the person that you truly care for every night. They're the first thing you think about before bed and they're the first thing you think about when you wake up. Its the dream that you want, but its when the sun comes up that you realize reality sets in and you figure out its just dream.

So the dream's over...and reality is here...Tell me where do I go from here?